Hope is not enough
by twhiddleston
Summary: "She did feel nostalgic, but she didn't know what she was missing. Maybe she just didn't want to remember. It wasn't like it would make a big difference, or at least she thought." One-shot, set after season 3, episode 5. Warning: Character's death implied


**A/N: I have nothing to do and already watched the chap… Great one, btw. I started typing and here's the result. Sorry if it's awful, but I wrote while in a tragedy mood… The songs snippets are of Linkin' Park 'Waiting for the end","New divide" and "With you", respectively. May be full of mistakes, sorry and let me know if - when - you find any. **

**Spoilers: For Amber 31422 (season 3, episode 5)**

**Disclaimer: Don't own the characters and some lines are from the show.**

* * *

"_Sometimes, it can be hard to remember. But there are others when you don't remember at all."_

_Myself_

* * *

"Hello?" Olivia heard a voice on the phone. It was familiar, but she couldn't remember whose voice was that.

"Hi." She managed to say, while trying to remember, then, something came to her mind. When Peter and she were talking in the car, he told her that she had a nephew, Ella. But it wasn't _she_, it was her _Alternate_. They were a lot different, and she knew that from when they met. Her Alternate also said something about a nephew, but she wasn't sure… She couldn't remember exactly how their meeting was, most of it seemed just a blur.

"Aunt Liv?" The girl said and that time she was sure. It was Ella, but she didn't know how was possible that she could recognize a voice she never heard before. Or did she? She couldn't be sure anymore. "I knew you wouldn't forget my birthday!" The little place around her started to fade. Things began to glow and shiver, which made her feel a little nostalgic, not knowing exactly about what. "Aunt Liv?" Ella's voice said but she didn't notice. After a while, everything vanished, and she was back in the tank and her world, or maybe not so much hers as she thought before.

And soon she could breathe again; Brandon had taken her out of there. "What happened?" The Secretary asked and she looked at him, still breathing hard.

She slightly shook her head. "It didn't work. Nothing happened. What I saw was black." She said and he walked away from her. _Please,_ She thought. _ He believed me. It's my only hope. I have to live. I have to know why I am here and where I belong. _As she thought, some words came into her head.

"_You belong with me"_

And some images flashed into her head, showing her a scene which she never thought she witnessed.

"_Peter…" She started then shook her head. "You don't belong here."_

"_No, I don't belong here." He said and looked away from her for a few seconds. "But I don't belong there either." He looked up, gazing Olivia._

"_Yes, you do." He avoided her gaze again and only looked back when she came closer to him. "I've thought of a hundred reasons why you should come back. To- To fight the shape-shifters, to take care of Walter… To… To save the world. But, in the end… You have to come back. Because you belong with me." She said and leaned in. When their lips touched, if felt like magic, it was a feeling she never felt before. The electricity should be enough to lit up a thousand cities and there would still be a lot left. She put an arm around his neck and rested the other hand on his chest. She parted the kiss for a little while, because he soon pulled her into another kiss, wrapping an arm on her waist._

After she 'remembered' that, she felt that Brandon had wrapped a towel around her. But now, any kindness didn't matter. She looked at where the Secretary was, moments ago, and looked inside of her head and heart which 'her' she was. Unfortunately, the other made much more sense than the one she thought she was.

"Now you admit it, huh?" She heard a voice and looked to her side, only to see the Secretary's son, Peter, the one who she kissed and whose illusion kissed her, grinning.

She shook her head slightly, so that no one could notice but Peter. "I can't. I just need a proof. A real proof." She whispered so quietly that she could barely hear herself talking.

"What proof?" Peter asked and ran his fingers down Olivia's cheek. She seemed confused, indecisive and distant, very different from what Peter 'remembered'.

"Memories."

* * *

Olivia didn't go home when she left the lab. She took her car and went to Liberty State Park, where she sat on the grass and looked at the World Trade Center towers and the red Statue of Liberty and thought about what she had seen there and what Peter said.

"_On the other side, the twin towers have fallen. On the other side, your sister Rachel is still alive. She lives in Chicago. Her husband took a job there. They live at 1934 Sherman..."_

"_See, now I know you're lying, because Rachel hates Chicago."_

"_Your beautiful niece Ella is alive. She was born, and it's her birthday today. She turns seven."_

And everything he said, somehow, was true. But he couldn't know if _she_ didn't know. Did she? Why would he lie? He has nothing to lose. More than that, he is in her mind, he wouldn't be able to fool her. Or at least she hoped.

She sighed and sat, looking at the sky and letting the gentle breeze take her worries, but even the sweetest breeze wouldn't take half of them. She rose and left; at that moment, nothing was going to help her. She walked inside her car and looked to her side, finding Peter there.

"Remembered?" He asked, raising an eyebrow and she groaned. "I thought so."

"Stop." She pleaded, her eyes were closed and her hands rested in her forehead. Peter did as she asked when he looked at her; things weren't easy to her. "I don't care if I'm not from this side." She whispered and started to shiver. "I just want my life back. I want to be normal again; wake up, go to work, come home and Frank is waiting for me, we curl in the bed and sleep. That's all I want. Is it too much?" Peter noticed the despair in her voice and wrapped an arm around her.

As soon as she felt his arm on her, she pushed him away and he sighed. She turned on the car and the radio, she didn't want to hear him.

_Flying at the speed of light__  
__Thoughts were spinning in my head__  
__So many things were left unsaid__  
__It's hard to let you go_

_I know what it takes to move on__  
__I know how it feels to lie__  
__All I wanna do  
Is trade this life for something new__  
__Holding on to what I haven't got_

She heard the song and paid attention to the lyrics. It remembered her of herself, her actual situation. She thought Peter had put that song on purpose, but when she looked at her side, no one was there. She sighed and changed the station.

_So give me reason__  
__To prove me wrong__  
__To wash this memory clean__  
__Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes__  
__Give me reason__  
__To fill this hole__  
__Connect the space between__  
__Let it be enough to reach the truth that lies__  
__Across this new divide_

The song had a good melody, Olivia had nothing against is, except for the lyrics. She was stunned, two stations, same band, different songs and the same effect: sadness, hopelessness and… Nostalgia?

She _did_ feel nostalgic, but she didn't know what she was missing. Maybe she just didn't want to remember. It wasn't like it would make a big difference, or at least she thought. But she couldn't drive, the songs had done a huge effect on her. She stopped the car and walked out of it. She saw a tree and sat by it, breathing pure air for the second time in the day. She looked to her front and saw Peter, with Walter and a little girl. Walter was singing, Olivia hoped it was something which wouldn't remember her of her 'situation', but it was.

_I woke up in a dream today__  
__To the cold of the static__  
__And put my cold feet on the floor__  
__Forgot all about yesterday_

"Walter, stop singing!" She heard Peter groan and smiled a little bit, but the smile faded as soon as Walter kept singing.

_Remembering I'm pretending to be where I'm not anymore__  
__A little taste of hypocrisy_

"You sing funny, Uncle Walter!" The girl giggled and started to dance with the elder man. Olivia recognized the girl as Ella.

_And I'm left in the wake of the mistake__  
__Slow to react__  
__Even though you're so close to me__  
__You're still so distant, and I can't bring you back_

Olivia felt a tear leave her eyes, but didn't stop the ones which followed that one. She cried. She didn't want to remember, to _change_, but she wanted to know who _she_ was.

* * *

"I know the truth." She said and he looked up at her.

"Olivia… You shouldn't have done that." Peter said, looking down.

The Secretary looked for a sign that she was unsure, any sign that she wasn't telling the true, but found none. "Good… Agent Dunham." He said and this time, she was sure: she wasn't this world's Olivia Dunham. She didn't remember, but she at least needed to know… And, if she was from the other world and was here, without any memory, her world probably was in risk, so that was the best decision. If she couldn't get to 'know' her world, no one else would. "You do know what's going to happen, am I right?"

"Yes." She said and didn't fight when they took her to a dark room. It sounded familiar to her. They closed the door and she just lay on the floor, where she could try. She heard someone's footsteps slightly muffled and found Peter standing in front of her. She knew what he was going to say, she knew what was going to happen, and she knew it wasn't a good option to her, but would keep her world, even 'unknown', safe, even if just for a little tiny bit.

"I had hope on you." Peter said and a single tear left his eyes.

"Sometimes, hope is not enough."

* * *

"_Only those who risk going too far find out how far they can go."_

_Waltenate, Season 3, episode 5, Amber 31422._

* * *

**A/N: Sorry if the end was vague, I hope you could understand what happened to out dear 'Liv... Tough to write, believe it. Sorry for any mistakes, I really need a beta. Does anyone have a recommendation?**

**Please, leave a review ^^**


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